I Cry a River of Tears...

I cry a river of uncontrollable tears because he or she decided I needed to be inappropriately touched and experience emotional pain. He or she decided I would be the prey. He or she decided that my virginity was not important. He/she decided that they needed regardless to teach me a lesson.  I shared this with someone when I was 38 years old. I lived in isolation every dark hour in my room. 

I cry a river of tears because it's hard for me to trust anyone or believe that anyone properly cares about me. I am angry because I couldn't protect myself from him or her. When I frantically tried to tell my wealthy parents, legal guardian, or friend, they advised me to forget about it. I decided I would never tell anyone again. Deep inside, I cry tears desperately, hoping for the emotional pain to go away. The incredible pain seems greater than my sincere prayers.  

 I cry a river of tears because of all that I have been through as an intended victim of sexual abuse. I wonder miserably if God desired this to be a part of my plan, which has been nothing but cognitive distortion. Family and friends say this was part of God's plan, and so you'll have to make your peace with it. To be honest, that triggers me, and if that's God's plan, I personally battle the thought of His plan each day. I understand you may want to aid the sexually abused victims, but making comments to include God can be touchy. I just want someone—a reasonable person—to accurately identify with my emotional pain.

I cry a river of tears because I was accused of sexual abuse. I looked out the glass window, and in the glimpse, there was no light. I wondered anxiously: how could the people I foolishly thought I could trust falsely accuse me? I thought this was a ploy because I refuse to participate in sexual activities. Why was this happening to me? In my entire life, I could never sexually abuse someone that I treated humanely like a son or daughter. Even though I was unjustly accused sometime ago and DNA saved my life, my journey to recovery has been extremely hurtful. 

I cry a river of emotional tears because they ill advised me to go back to my cruel husband or wife. I felt forced, and that was because I was being raped. My sensitive brain was so cloudy and desperately trying to confine myself to the responsible person, whom I foolishly thought I could gently encourage. Instead, he or she politely told me to sincerely pray and stay comfortably. I never felt so uncertain about my personal life, this unfortunate marriage, and me screaming hysterically, "No!" Stop, it hurts. On too many occasions, it emotionally traumatized me. I eventually found myself performing sexual favors because the children had to eat.

I cry a river of tears because they christened it exploring our body parts. After all, we were around the similar age, but I felt that my cousin fondling me and (him/her) occasionally making me fondle his or her body parts was exploring. The exploring would habitually be done when the grown-ups were nowhere to be found. It would typically appear that he/she and I were best cousins but to me, it felt more like a girl or boyfriend situation. Even though we are older now and I assuredly have a more capital on child-on-child sexual abuse. It's overwhelming to see this cousin at any time.  

I cry a river of tears because my concerned family incorrectly assumed I ran away from home. My concerned family had no idea until recently that my emotional episode aired in a season of "Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta." For the first time, I publicly discussed my personal experience as a sex trafficking victim. Alexis Skyy, the reality star, revealed precisely that she was 15 years old when she was kidnapped and reluctantly forced into human trafficking. She passionately informed devoted fans that she was beaten, threatened, abused, and raped every single day for months on end. However, she was ultimately saved and rescued by a responsible man she hasn't seen since. 

Sexual abuse recovery is a long and difficult recovery because of post-traumatic stress reactions. Flashbacks and nightmares could bring on feelings of isolation, irritability, and guilt. These feelings can affect the sexual abuse victim because they consistently relive the trauma. The sexual abuse victim doesn't ask to be violated or tormented due to the perpetrator's gratification. The guilt in a sexual abuse victim's consciousness can be long-standing and increase their chances of low self-esteem, depression, self-harm, and bondage.

Sexual abuse can cause problems in marriages and intimate relationships because the victim has issues with trust, love, and intimacy. Its mixed scholar research on whether sexual abuse affects the victim's sexual orientation "Sexual abuse can interfere with sexual enjoyment, contribute to a survivor engaging in sexual behaviors that arise from the abuse, and interfere with survivors' ability to know what they want" (Kali Munro, M.Ed., 2002). 

In general, childhood sexual abuse survivors tend to either pursue sex recklessly as adults or to forgo sex completely, says, Stephen L. Braveman, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Monterey, Calif., and the western regional representative of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Self-harming and risk-taking are normal for the sexual abuse victim because due to the horrifying memories and jagged emotional scars, the sexual abuse victim may self-medicate through unconscious acts  promiscuity.     

In my experience with sexual abuse victims (m/f/teen), treatment should start with a safe space and good chemistry between therapist and client. It's not just about being smart with sexual abuse victims; it's about being emotionally stable enough to support them on their yellow brick road to recovery. The grieving process with the sexual abuse victims is slow and shouldn't be rushed; every movement should be counted in memory; therefore, take baby steps, getting the victim to explore "who, what, when, where, how, and why did it happen?" and "who's responsible?" The trauma is confronted, and the healing process can begin through cognitive education, reconstruction of events, and new coping skills that will immerse.

Sexual Assault Hotlines:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

The National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-8255

Reference:

Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Resources www.bandbacktogether.com

Kali Munro, M.Ed., an online psychotherapist, wrote the following statements in her 2002 article titled "Am I Gay Because of the Abuse?,"

New Direction Ministries, a Canadian based Christian organization, stated on their website FreeToBeMe.com (accessed Mar. 3, 2009), in the article, "A Developmental View of Homosexuality,"

The Aftermath of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Dennis Thompson, Jr. | Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

QueenAfi, Mental Health Consultant & Founder of DVWMT